Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.

I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

[interview at a clothing store]

be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog

“so what color is this dress?”

oh you gotta be kidding me

I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.

re there other nogs or do we only have the egg one?

You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.

I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it

Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s

Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”

Me: I have a toothache
WebMD: Your dad is the Zodiac killer

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?

Baby Moon.

[Starbucks]
Excuse me, this isn’t what I ordered.

“You ordered a Grande.”

Yes, but this is Ariana Grande.

“Sir, please just take her.”

Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*

me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize

me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900

Best sidewalk sandwich board ad I’ve ever seen.

I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.

If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!

ME: can i start digging?

SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing

[waits an hour]

ME: how about now?

SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology

At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game

If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.

[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.