Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen

what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.

The orcas took down that F-35 fighter jet.

Taking a buzzfeed quiz to see what buzzfeed quiz I am. Sweet! I got “Which buzzfeed quiz are you?”

By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.

I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.

Texted Mom a question & she didn’t answer right away. I’m going to send 4 more texts & 3 voicemails to give her a taste of her own medicine.

Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere

I wrote out SOS with M&M’s

Five minutes later

I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s

A librarian with a sense of humour…

#Oscars

Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

The only real difference between my 20s and my 30s is that now I make all my bad decisions before midnight.

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

They also CAN sing✌️

I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.

*gets on knees and undoes your belt*

corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn

HR said no more nunchucks.

We have guests, go get the fancy cups.

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.

I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.

Dog (curled up, napping): I never poop on the carpet and I love cats.

Wife: Is the dog talking in its sleep?

“Shhh let sleeping dogs lie.”

I’m quiet and not good at confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi: Beth & Greg, Why The Fuck Did You Have To Get A Rooster?

Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.

Most of you didn’t even question if turtles would make great ninjas. You just believed it. I should’ve known then we’d end up where we are.

“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!