Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.

Me: Here’s half my income.

Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.

[me being lowered into my grave]

the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you

My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!

[skydiving, first jump]
INSTRUCTOR: everyone ready?
EAGLE: yes.
HAWK: check.
SPARROW: ready.
PENGUIN: this is a really bad idea.

Cop: Do you understand your rights?

NASCAR driver: My what

Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.

If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.

Let’s ride.

So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.

[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY

I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.

My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

I never met a cheese I didn’t like.

I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.

They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.

I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?

A skunk got into my kitchen last night when I was cooking dinner and the smell was so bad he went right back out.

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent

Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.

Me: I don’t get it, how can you sell “gently used” coffins?
Coffin Salesman: Dead people don’t do barely nothin’ to a coffin, if you get ’em out quick enough
Me: You have mud all over your pants

Hot Panini is in big trouble

[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.

People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏

#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy