Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
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The living can’t communicate with the dead, that’s just séance fiction
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Why do people always make such a fuss over how much a newborn weighs? It’s a baby, not a stash of heroin.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Wife: This milk is 30 seconds past due, time to throw it out.
Me: This milk is lumpy. I need a fork.
because my kids are in public school, i have had several kids who identify as gay, trans, non-binary, etc in my home for various hang-outs
do you know what they all have in common?????????
eggos
they eat all my eggos
Every time
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere