Got fired from Goldman Sachs for insisting that you can’t have a board meeting without charcuterie
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A faux pas at a dinner welcoming alien visitors: an egg dish is served to the visitors, not knowing they’re oviparous.
“No offense was intended, I’m sure, but you have to understand: us eating eggs would be like…would be like you consuming another mammal.”
“…right.”
My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
[aircraft carrier]
*paints a T on the helipad*
Captain: No it has to have an H
Me: Why?
*train sounds approaching*
Captain: Oh dear god
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
the saddest jazz hands ever
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
Not saying I was a gullible kid but my sister once gave me scissors and said “Grandma needs us to trim the carpet”
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it