Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
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goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
Him: don’t say anything embarrassing
Me [realizing there are no mozzarella sticks at this party]: I will punch a pregnant woman in the baby
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
[i get back from the supermarket]
wife: did you forget about dre
me: nope
wife: did you remember the alamo
me: yep
wife: did you get the eggs
me: goddammit
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
A new study shows that drinking two to three coffees a day can lower the risk of heart problems. Because who has time for heart problems when they have constant daytime stress diarrhea?
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Speechwriter: I have your speech ready, sir. “87 years ago—“
Lincoln: Whoa whoa whoa hang on…
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Meeeee too!
Conservatives should be allowed to say whatever they want once they’re in the camps.
I would love to be the reason you look at your phone and smile
Then walk into a wall
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
“Hi, I’m calling for info on your bicycle on Craigslist.”
It’s heavy, brown, has new shoes, and loves carrots. It’s definitely not a horse.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations