Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.

I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!

My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.

Good Cop: step away from the ledge
Cat Cop [pushes person off] oops

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories

*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*

Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.

A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.

TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.

RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”

Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”

[after sex]

Her: *lights up smoke*

Me: *unwraps toothpick*

Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”

I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it

Explaining to my wife that she should induce labor now so our son will be the first kid named Cybertruck.

Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope

Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater

They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot

Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.

Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.

Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history

if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.

Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*