Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
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Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
A homeless woman outside of Walmart winked at me this morning, long story short, it’s going to be an August wedding.
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
It’s so cold out, that I don’t know who’s just wrapping up warm and who’s a ninja.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*
You up?
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
Excerpt from my fantasy novel. Reminder to editors: new authors pour their souls into their manuscripts. Feedback like “Did you spend all your time inventing the elf language?” and “I think you spent too much time making the elf language” is NOT helpful
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
I commented to a friend that I didn’t know how goofy Scream was. It turns out I have never seen Scream. I saw Scary Movie.
That 👊
Thanks to Fitbit, all my anxious pacing can be passed off as exercise.
Check out the legs on this baby
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
I saw a promo for the new Gladiator movie and said to my husband, “That looks good. I wonder if I need to see the original first so I know what’s going on.” My husband jumped up and with his full outside voice said, “YOU’VE NEVER SEEN GLADIATOR?!?”
2.5 hrs later, credits…
My dating life can best be compared to credit card companies that send you a million applications and reject you when you finally apply.