Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
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Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
[first day as furniture salesman]
Guy [inspecting bed]: nice, solid frame. Who makes it?
Me: you or your wife. Whoever gets up last really
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed Marie Curie?
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
The life cycle of an unsuccessful business:
1. Under construction
2. Grand opening!
3. Temporarily closed
4. Open under new management!
5. Temporarily closed
6. Permanently closed
7. Spirit Halloween
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.