Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
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I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
When I said “I’m really good in bed” I was referring to sleeping. Sorry for the misunderstanding, you can pull your pants up now.
When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
Traffic cop: Just blow into this for me sir.
Man in car: But that’s a balloon.
Traffic cop: if you just cooperate sir, it’ll soon be a dog.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
that de-escalated quickly
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Thank you 🥹
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…