Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: how about a horn solo

DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works

If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.

what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣

My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.

Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.

My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

A 20% discount sounds great until you realize you can’t afford the other 80%

My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child

dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician

waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please

“Call me crazy bu..”

You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.

[being robbed]

Me: careful.. I’m ARMED

*whips out bible

Robber: lol

*pulls gun out of bible

R: oh

*pulls smaller bible out of gun

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!

Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.

3 y/o: what?

Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.

Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.

I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day

me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no

I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

Me: I’d like a neck tattoo

Tattoo artist: okay, of what?

Me: I just told you

Tattoo artist:

Me: on my forearm

Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow

INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body