Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
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Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
An expiration date should be called a spoiler alert.
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
First date idea: I lean in close and surprise you with a wet willy.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard