Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare

pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?

me: herbert

pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-

me: himbert

How to impress your ex:

1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex

I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.

I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?

Me: no

Therapist: no come on, they must have

[before animals were invented]

plants: this is nice

[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”

ME: this check-up is pointless, I’m in my prime

DOCTOR: did… did your hip just dislocate when you sat down?

ME: this chair isn’t regulation height

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

[watching the avengers with my wife]

(scene where the hulk appears)

me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek

Me: mic is short for microphone

My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!

what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”

If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.

Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.

have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job

Blew out my flip flop…

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…

Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

By Kate Hatos

leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies

Dr: Have you been exercising?

Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex

Never go to sleep after making me angry

I’m not a religious person but I do call my water bottle Jesus because its contents magically turn to wine at any of my kids sporting events.

“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”

-how vodka was born