Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
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My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
“PARKOUR!” – me, after tripping over nothing on the sidewalk
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
Oh yeah that’s it
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
Companies, stop informing me that my personal information may have been compromised, I just assume it’s everywhere at this point. Project it onscreen at a Taylor Swift concert, I really don’t give a shit.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.