Got fired from my job at the candy heart factory. Apparently “You’ll Do” isn’t romantic.
You Might Also Like
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
ME: I’ll put a sexy movie on
DATE: Good idea
*presses play*
D: Shrek?
M: omg embarrassing
D: Haha
M: [fumbling with DVD] Meant to be Shrek 2
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
I just got a text from the hospital to confirm my appointment and let me know that they were changing it to a virtual visit.
My appointment is for a colonoscopy.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
My toddler climbed out of her crib and my first thought was “Why don’t they make some kind of lid or attachment for the top of these things?”
Then I realized thaaaaat’s a cage.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Just want to be bitten by a spider without the obligation of becoming a superhero.
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
This made me chuckle cuz mood
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
This is why I hate group projects
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
What’s the downside of being rude to your executioner?