Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
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The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
I wore a jumpsuit to work because the rage I feel every time I have to pee is a good motivator.
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
[gets on Facebook]
[types “you pushed me away but expected me to stay”]
[everyone nods, this is considered extremely good shit on there]
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.