Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god

Plastic surgeon: We can help with-

Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement

Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.

Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.

I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car

I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.

“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”

What are instructions?

“Correct.”

I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.

Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.

I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the grenade launcher.

[sees woman reading]

“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”

My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.

Can we stop calling it autocorrect and call it what it is… auto-guesstimate-entirely-inaccurately

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit

professor x: what’s your power?

me: i’m at 6%

professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger

MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked

Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.

Unless you’re a direct descendent of a horse, don’t chew with your mouth open.

Judge: you’ve been charged with assault

Batman: you mean battery

Judge: no it was physical assault

Batman: *whispers* batsault

My husband told me I act like he forgets everything. So this morning when his alarm went off, I let him get ready for work and leave. He forgot he was off today

WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks

[Emergency Room]

MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?

DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away

him: can you pour me a glass of wine

me: there’s only enough left for me

him: there’s a whole bottle

me: yes

burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system

my therapist asked me what i wanted to talk about for that session and i blurted out a human with robotic limbs is cool but a robot with human limbs would be absolutely terrifying

saw that musical. didn’t care for it.

When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.