Got fired from my job at the zoo because I kept trying to wax the turtles
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I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
I wish I was 7’9″ so my BMI would be normal
well this is just bullshirt
Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
The optimist sees the carrot.
The pessimist sees the stick.
I see the ranch dip.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Shaggy: Scoob you can’t smoke nitrate ester, you’ll explode!
Scooby Doo: RONO₂! *Explodes and dies*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
If your baby is being extra clingy lately, it’s not because they love you
They’ve seen what 2020 has brought so far and now they want back inside
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
*crawls seductively across bed*
*elbow gives out*
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Getting out of bed should count as resistance training
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.