Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
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I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.
Would make a brilliant taxi driver
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
me, 1988: my dad calls everything by the wrong name. why doesn’t he know what anything is
me: 2018: calling my kid’s mindcraft game “computer legos” is way funnier than saying mindcraft and it pisses her off every time
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
Optometrist: better or worse?
Me: oooo worse – I can see your face now
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment
Florida man
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Why do sanitary towel adverts always feature a liquid which is blue?
Are aliens their primary customers?
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.