Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies

[Being followed on my morning run]

Me: Leave me alone!

Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe

this could fix me

Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused

A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”

Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.

Her: undress me with your words

Me: ummm… There’s a spider in your panties?

I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.

There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

I don’t know about you but I always take the road less traveled because chances are I won’t run into stupid people.

I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*

Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”

My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory

I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.

299 of them are Nestlé.

[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!

Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off

Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!

Torturer: I’ll burn your skin

Me: Never talking!

Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school

Me: It’s 2547

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*

– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.

My mom: sure use any towel.

Also my mom: not that one.

The perfect job for me would be the person staining things for detergent commercials.

Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol

~App developers probably

Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.

Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.

Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.