Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters
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Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
I fucking love Gary Larson so much
I’m trying to teach my toddler how to headbang but he’s pissed because he wants a bottle. I told him to save that anger for the mosh pit.
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
I don’t know how my parents avoided boredom before the internet. My 13 brothers and sisters don’t know either.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”