Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
You Might Also Like
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
[GOD INVENTING THE AVOCADO]
Make a banana annoying.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
just detonated a tiny nuclear device at my buddy’s house as a prank. scientists say his rumpus room will be uninhabitable for 600 years
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
My 4yo asked me for a ninja shaped pancake. I made her a circle because that’s all my pancake making skill level allows me to make. She was like, “umm… where’s the ninja??” So I told her that it’s so fast you can’t see it and she said “wow! Thanks mom!” Lmao
My wife has us watching so many crime documentaries, I swear I’ve seen a drone shot of every small-town water tower in America.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Do they award purple hearts for injuries playing* laser tag?
Asking for a friend.
* Dropping the gun on your foot while putting on your vest.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
I’m still traumatized about being shaken down for lunch money by the third grade bully. What makes it worse is that I was his third grade teacher at the time.
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog