Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
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Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
*I open the curtains with a smile, enjoying the gentle breeze on my naked body*
ME: Good morning, world!
CURTAIN STORE MANAGER: Call the police, Karen… He’s back.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Kermit goes Blue.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
An app..
An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.
-Twitters new slogan
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Me as a chef:
oops! 5 second rule!oops! 5 second rule!
oops! 5 second rule!
Pick up, table two
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
Trainer: What kind of shape would you say your body is in?
Me: Butternut Squash
Look Ma, no handle on things
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Interviewer: “Describe a time when you broke the rules.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I was at a restaurant and the waiter asked me to wait to be seated.”
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.