Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

💀😭

An odd boast

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet

Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that

Fact: you spend an average of 3.7 hrs of your life in the pantry looking for the ‘damn’ paprika

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?

It’s so cold that the local flasher was caught *describing* himself
to women.

i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

Dating tip: Men find mysterious woman alluring, so keep the spark alive by occasionally acting like a lunatic possessed by the devil.

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician go on a hunting trip. They spot a deer n the physicist takes aim first, bullet misses the deer by 5m to the left.

Chemist fires, but the bullet misses by 5m to the right.

The statistician jumps up & down, shouting, “We got it!

WHY?

My mom: why are you being so defensive

Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better

Women: “Do you remember that time…”

Men: “No”

Know Your Time-Related Abbreviations

B.C. – before christ
A.D. – after dhrist

A.M. – after midnight
P.M. – pefore midnight

So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”

January 2020: New year, new me.

May 2020: *primal scream*

Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied

Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?

Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.

[next morning]

Him in the bathroom *screams*

Her yelling: That’s one!

Him *screams*

Her: That’s two!

“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”

{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”

Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?