Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
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i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.
Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?
My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.
Me:
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
It’s okay to run away from the cops if you’re shy
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Working in fungus identification is really dull. Every day it’s just say mould, say mould…
me: I would hate to be the Bear of Bad News
my wife: it’s bearer of bad news not Bear of Bad News
Bear of Bad News: lady you don’t know wtf you’re talking about
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
wife: “no”
me: “its a good name”
wife: “keith we’re not calling the dog sarah jessica barker, keep thinking”
me:
wife:
me: “woofie goldberg”
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.