Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
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*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
ME: *drinks protein shake* Am I gonna be ripped now?
BF: No, that’s not how it—
ME: *trapped under recliner I just tried to lift* Help
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
i choose….tongue
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Guys, the best way to keep your SO happy is to let her think she’s smarter than you, if you’re on Twitter she probably is anyway.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.