Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
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How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
Me: how are you
Friday: good
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
couldn’t resist
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Breaking news:
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
DEESCALATE is the perfect word to yell to escalate any situation.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.
[throwing out the baby]
Me: Oh shit, my bathwater!
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills