Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Took my son fishing and as I was carefully baiting the hook he came up to me with a minnow he caught in a ziplock bag and said ‘daddy you’re trying too hard’.
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
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CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Why am I like this?
#Shipping #Ecommerce #SmallBusiness #USPS #ShipDude
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
mandolin: finally a violin for men
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
The real world does feel a bit like the state of Batman comics right now.
You beat one grinning evil, two more show up, and while you’re fighting them, the first one is resurrected and pretty soon you’re banging the cat lady.
Parent (who is a nurse):
Sorry I laughed but your kid is funny! When he was down & hurt in the game & I checked him, I said, “That’s a big gash on your knee.” He said, “It’s my ankle.” I felt it & said “I think it’s okay” & he said, “That’s good, ma’am, but it’s my other ankle.”
Dear every guy that works out excessively, the sun is out! NOW is your moment! It was all worth it! Take that shirt off and walk around!!
Do you enjoy addiction, anxiety, and urinating? Then coffee may be the beverage for you.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
who called it pissing in the woods and not toiletrees
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate