Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
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if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
So this one time, a friend asked me to PLEASE read a book so we could talk about it.
I read it… and I was like, um… I didn’t really like it…
Her: *happily* I know, right? Neither did I!
And I think this is my villain origin story.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat