Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
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me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
“WTF?”
“Seriously?”
“How could you?”
“Oh, man!”
“I’m right here.”
-my dog watching me throw food in the trash
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
When your friends are on their phones, but you ran out of things to check
*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes
You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.