Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
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I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Who called them reply guys instead of first responders?
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Not to brag, but my kid asked me to guess an animal that starts with “komodo dra-” and I got it in one try
[2 days into diet]
Gluten: come back baby I promise I’ll change
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues