Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
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As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
whoever was the first to shorten “Richard” down to “Dick” must have really hated that guy
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Im going to bed. I want this place cleaned up by morning
When you “pspspsp” too hard
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
I love you to the refrigerator and back
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.
On the way to school.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.