Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
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me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
me: the grinch robbed me! I woke up to iron my christmas jeans—
whoville 911: what was that
me: the grinch robbed me
whoville 911: no the weird part
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Wife: Wow, I’m tired
Me: Go relax, give me the recipe and I’ll make dinner
[Five minutes later]
Me: Honey, I think we’re out of…”oven”?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
me: the most realistic movie i could ever watch would be one where the main character in a big city has to park their car about seven or eight blocks away from the building they’re going to
my priest, about to give me communion: is there another religion you can join?
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
when ppl on here get in trouble they tweet ‘cute animal’ pictures
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.