Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
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See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
It’s only Cloud Computing if it originates in the Saint-Cloud region of France.
Otherwise, it’s just sparkling servers-in-a-warehouse.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*
How many Avengers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. Ant-Man and Wasp are the only ones small enough to fit inside a lightbulb.
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
Valet parking is cool because obviously I didn’t spend the last five years meticulously fine-tuning the positions of my seat, steering wheel, and mirrors, by all means please do just shove everything wherever you want it for the one minute you’ll be driving my car
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
My bank doesn’t feel I’m doing enough to clear my debt but I think they should give me more credit.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
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Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist