Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*

Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!

If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.

*orders expensive cat bed*

*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*

*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*

*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*

I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…

lacktoes intolerant

*opens another beer*

9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.

If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store

Monday Lisa

I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit

My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…

Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.

~poetry

My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.

I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

yes, national anxiety is high, but at least it also gets dark at 4pm

i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.

Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.

There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school

O Wise One….

I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”

My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.

I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

Today on a tram, I told the driver that I loved Puerto Rico and he told me he shot two people who were breaking into his house there after hurricane Maria and left the island to evade charges and why does this stuff happen to me

I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.

Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”

Me: “That’s kind of the point.”

Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.

For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…

“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.

Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.

I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.