Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.
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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Lots of people comparing Trump to ISIS and Hitler. Wow. Take it easy, guys! That’s not very nice to ISIS or Hitler.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
*gets in the bus*
*Brings out earphones*
*untangles*
*arrives*
[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
This is my emotional support online shopping cart
Me: You’ve got to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me
Son: Why? You go to bed at like 6. I’ll just wait till then
Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.
I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
If you slowly put your fingers in someone’s mouth, they will quit telling you about their day at work.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.