Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
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going to therapy when I’m having a good mental health day stresses me out because what if the therapist is like you seem fine go home I never wanna see you again
Being single gives me time to focus on other things like getting fat
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Writing a horror story where parents won’t just drop off their children for a play date. They also want to sit and talk. It’s called, “You Really Don’t Have to Stay.”
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
the trade off from turning 50 is you cant see letters up close but you can spot idiots from miles away
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
MOB BOSS: It has come to my attention that within this very room, we have a SNITCH
HARRY POTTER: Oh hell yeah I’ll get it
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
I think tomorrow I’m going to respond to everyone using only lyrics from songs by The Dead Deads. Wish me some luck at the DMV.
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
I don’t o u anything!
– Americans complaining about British/Canadian word spellings
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
Last party I went to before COVID met a guy who worked in finance who told me he was an “experiences manager” and got defensive when I asked him what experiences he manages.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.