Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
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18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
If you’re riding a bike in New York City it means you care about your health …. Riding one here in Tennessee it means you got a DUI.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Hasbro is the only company that manufactures Monopoly. Think about that for a minute.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
this lady on nextdoor was like “we’ve had this chihuahua for ten years but we had a baby so now we’re getting rid of our dog does anyone want him” and i replied “rehome the baby” and now IM the bad guy?
Me: I hate drama.
Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.
This rain has ruined my weekend plans. I shouldn’t have left them in the garden.
*Finally finishes my beach setup after two hours*
*Sits down triumphantly*
*Beach tent and umbrella fly away in a strong gust of wind*
My husband brought home a 55 gallon drum from work and I’ve never felt more insulted. I could fit in smaller.
Me: can you call me an Uber? It’s too far to walk and it’s getting dark
My spouse: … it’s our mailbox. At the end of our driveway.
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me
worst…sale…ever
