Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
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My mind says “no” but my heart says “yes”, all my vital organs speak English, it’s very confusing and loud
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
me
ME: holy shit is that the pope?!
HER [tugging on my arm]: sit down that’s the bride
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.