Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down

I can tell the way my kids inherited my sarcasm by the way I want to punch them in the face every time they use it.

*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*

[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

I’m less upset with Lance Armstrong lying about taking performance-enchancing drugs than I am at Oprah for lying about retiring.

Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.

If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.

My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.

Cat: WHERE AM GO?
Me: uh
Cat: PLS DO NOT SAY VET
Me: well
Me: um
Cat: U HAVE BETRAYED CAT

Anaesthetist: Count back from 10

Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS

Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.

my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.

Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!

Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.

boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen

Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking

[me while painting nails]: Obvi

Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails

[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”

Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?

Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken

Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.

Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

A NEW year? In this economy??? I’m settling for a certified pre-owned.

Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌

:-for the notifications to go away✅