Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
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“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
Men are really out here thinking that a hike is a good first date. Sir that’s a last date. That’s how people get murdered.
Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
Gramma: When I was your age, a candy bar was a nickel
Me: That sounds really hard to swallow
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
✨☝️✨
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
Pickled cat.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
[dinner]
HER: lose the spear
ME: but you said we having wild rice
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
I don’t understand parents who always think their kids are blameless, I always assume mine are guilty and hope to be pleasantly surprised