Got him!
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I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Noticed that 9/11 and Friday the 13th are both next week and briefly had the dumb thought “it’ll be weird when they fall on the same day.”
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”
COP: License and registration please
ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
If Toblerone tastes this good, imagine Toblertwo
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
That little rat from Ratatouille is under Pharrell’s hat pulling his hair to make him dance.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Owner: So?
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?