Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..*Flintstones theme song plays*
Murdered
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
Why isn’t a fleet of helicopters just called hellacopters.
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Someone told me they had beef with me and I got pissed off that it wasn’t a brisket
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Pajamas are so cute. Like, let me go put on a little outfit to be unconscious.
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
Can you solve the riddle??
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
