Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
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I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
I stopped at Culver’s and got cheese curds. I felt so guilty, I really should’ve gotten some onion rings too.
Me: please wait a little longer
Her: you’re a liar and I’m leaving!
She turns and storms off. A few seconds later, the baseball I threw all the way around the world whizzes into my glove. It’s too late. It took too long. I must train to throw harder if I’m ever to find a wife.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
This is not me but this is me
Even the dumbest person on social media is still more intelligent than a dolphin.
And that saddens me deeply.
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
The main difference between my dog and my kid is my dog responds to her name being called
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Put this video in the Louvre
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
is this store having a stroke wtf
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.