Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.

Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.

Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”

Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though

I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.

When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

I just saw a tiktok of Meghan Trainor putting tomato sauce, mozzarella, and pepperoni on a RICE CAKE and called it pizza. Nary a drop of Italian blood in my body but I am not ashamed to admit that I wept.

If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.

Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.

ME: I played Wordle today

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Wordle is?

SON: no

ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters

SON: great

ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?

SON: no

*steals all the clocks*

*has all the time in the world*

Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”

stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff

“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]

Friend: How are you doing?

Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.

If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

My boss is having a colonoscopy today.

I sure hope they find his head.

Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace

Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.

Stock market update:

Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon?

Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means

One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.

I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.

I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.

“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession