Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There should be a Mad Max movie that reveals the world outside Australia has actually remained pretty normal

*trains 1 million soldier ants*

*gets carried to work*

I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.

rip to my favourite tweet

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?

I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.

I know this now 😂

UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality

NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.

Confused yet?

Most populated places in the world:

1. China
2. India
3. United States
4. Indonesia
5. Friend Zone
6. Hell

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.

Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you

My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

How come cats make the only sexy Halloween costumes? What’s wrong with a sexy llama or a sexy sloth or something?

14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”

Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!

Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.

Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

1977: stayin’ alive

2020: stayin’ alive

Please ignore this tweet, I’m pretending to be adding a coworker’s phone number.

I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up

When deescalating an argument with your wife, always use empathetic phrases like “look lady”

Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.

Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.