Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.

Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell

Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*

Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.

Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys

Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

– snails, probably

“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”

Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.

Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.

Kids: [inside playing on their phones]

Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.

[3 minutes later]

Kids: [outside playing on their phones]

tad speechless. husband just woke me up from my football nap by holding a warm piece of pizza under my nose until the smell got me sniffing and twitching like a dog. “I can’t believe that worked”

If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.

I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.

Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.

Ok in hindsight “bite me” was a terrible safe word choice

My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.

[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd

*puts bike helmet on 4*

my brain: now knock on it a coupla times

me: why?

brain: you just gotta

So true for me

It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.

my sentiments exactly

THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.

ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

*teaching 13 to cut the grass

Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?

13: Yep

13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.

PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.

They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.

Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex

Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me

*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11

I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective

“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”

[before sex]

her: can u put something on

me: sure

her: is that just the jeopardy theme song

me: no

her:

me: it’s the whole episode