Got in the car and my 6yo greeted me with “well, well, well, look who’s here.”
This is the only greeting I’ll be accepting from now on.
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I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
A few summers ago I stopped at some kids’ lemonade stand. As I took a sip, the youngest boy stuck his whole arm in the pitcher and stirred.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
So many people say “if my memory serves me correctly” and I’m actually quite shocked at the amount of servants named Memory…….
What if all the cashiers are married?
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
I drunk an energy drink thinking it will help me stay up to write an exam. But instead my brain has just read wikipedia pages for 3 different type of fish and searched throught 20 etsy pages. So this was a bad idea
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
thank god
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh