Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore

So what does everyone do with their dryer lint

[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages

We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.

can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]

At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.

“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.

Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair

Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work

On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.

The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”

Interviewer: Describe your current position.

Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.

My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too

I have a cartoon in the current Private Eye

It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.

I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.

I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.

This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…

<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned

Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker

I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.

My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.

Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.

Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”

The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”