Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
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I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Now, where’s the sport in that?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”
This guy gets it.
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
The phrase “you two deserve each other” sounds like a compliment, but never is.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house