Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍

Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold

Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.

WAITER: Ready to order?

ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special

WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special

[chef in background sheds a tear]

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.

Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.

The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.

5yo: That will be 5 dollars.

Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.

Hey! Where’s my change?

5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.

My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ

doctor: what seems to be the problem?

t-rex: I cant feel my legs

Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?

Me: Yes, thanks.

they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them

*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?

(Me tryna flirt)

Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.

Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.

Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.

Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive

If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.

Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”

*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”

It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.

3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?

Me: of course sweetie

3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?

Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!

3: what was your favourite part?

Me:

3:

Me:

3:

Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?

3: mine too yay!

Me: yay!

Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school

[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]

Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.