Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
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Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
If you have any selfies of you running from wolves then yes, I would be very interested.
Someone has left me a voicemail. I don’t know what to do. Open the phone app? The contacts? Do I turn on the TV?
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings
me: did you have fun on your playdate?
my 9yo: yes, but that was the wrong Logan. Next week can I have a playdate with the Logan who’s my friend?
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Just got a Life Alert bracelet. Now, if I get a life, I’ll immediately be alerted…
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people