Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
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I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
If elected I will pour out three fingers of scotch and fill the bottle back up with water so my dad doesn’t notice.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
6 year old: I saw a car today that was kind of cool but very ugly. Have you seen it?
me: yeah, I’ve seen it
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist