Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
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Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
[walmart]
GREETER: hello 🙂
ME: [leans in close] what’s the cheapest toilet paper you got
GREETER: i don’t know offhand
ME: you’re disgusting
“Not all guys wearing Flannel shirts are Lumberjacks.” *hits tree with axe* ” Take me for example. I just hate trees.”
Unfortunately, Yoda’s proposal came across as more of a statement, possibly even a threat. And so, he lived out his life alone, forever pining for “which got away, the one.”
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy, so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
I’ve had relationships like this
Maine is beautiful and calm.
Stephen King: Hold my balloon.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.