Got into the habit of meowing like a frustrated cat at every mild inconvenience at home. Did it at work today.
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I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
[Brings pot brownies to the PTA meeting]
– New playground approved
– All classes now held outside
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
*wonders if people named Mike shout “mic drop” instead of “parkour” when they fall over
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
Battery falling down a hole
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.