Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
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annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.
I was on my way to the gym and this strong gust of wind blew me into a McDonald’s and 3 Big Macs fell in my lap.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Toddlers are like ants only instead of carrying 20x their body weight, they take up 20x their body size in your bed
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Too easy.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full