Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
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I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
‘My Dad was asking me how was the Duo Lingo concert?’
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
per my last wtf
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Parenting tip: from now on, buy only spaghetti-sauce colored clothes.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
If you’re 6’5” tall and drop something, I imagine you just keep walking, like “yeah, THAT’s gone now…”
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
After this very serious election let’s do one goofy one
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.