Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
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I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.
Apparently it was wrong of me to tell the aunt who said that I’ve gotten ‘big’ since 2019 that she’s also gotten ‘bigger’ since I saw her in 2019.
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Before I had sons, I assumed all little boys were Kevin McCallister. Then my older boy was born and he turned out to be Samwise Gamgee. Joy of joy! I went ahead and had another boy and got Kevin McCallister.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
this will hang in the louvre one day
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
Masks have freed me to do a whole lot of weird things with my mouth in public that I never even knew I wanted to do.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”
-anyone on road trips with me
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.