Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
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Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Me, noticing my takeout salad came with a fork AND chopsticks: “Why would anyone eat a salad with chopsticks?”
Also me: tries to eat salad with chopsticks
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
wife: Don’t be an idiot
me: IT’S NOT A CHOICE, SARAH
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
I was texting my husband about our 4 year old and autocorrect changed “she’s pissed” to “she’s possessed” and honestly, same difference.
“someone broke into your room… and peed on you while you were asleep”
me: that’s right, officer
You can’t rush stupid.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.