Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: “Sorry I’m late. Car trouble.”

Him: “What kind of car trouble?”

Me: “It doesn’t go 200 miles an hour to compensate for my late start.”

i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressing

Saying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper

I tried to forge my dad’s signature in first grade. Without knowing cursive. Let’s just say the bank didn’t give me that loan.

My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.

[day after the beast’s household got turned back into people]
beauty:

beast:

beauty:

beast:

beauty: …so we just don’t have cups now?

A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.

Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.

If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.

As a teen: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

As a dad: hiding in the shed, secretly drinking.

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

What makes us human?

Selecting all images with traffic lights

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?

[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]

To keep the peace

Amazon: Your order has been ship—

Me: *Track Package*

Accidentally asking a complete stranger what they fancy for dinner, as your partner’s quietly wandered off to a different part of the supermarket

Yeah but how do misinformed people feel about it?

WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .

me: you’re so wet and i’m going to go down on you right here in public

waterslide operator: i’m gonna need you to stop talking out loud

Not😆🤣

My current diet all ends with an S.

Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.

Bring back the McRib

I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.

A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.

My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”

Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.

jingle bell.
jingle bell.
jingle bell.
rock.

– looking for shells on the north pole beach