Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?

Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.

On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.

When arguing, I let the other person speak first, then help them see my point by starting with, “Now, what I’m about to say is correct”

Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.

Me:

9yo:

Me: Can I go back to sleep now?

caveman: can I use some of that fire?
caveman who invented it: why?
caveman: im gonna burn glorg house down
caveman who invented it: no that’s arson

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch

said in every police drama ever

– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin

i’m not celebrating labor day tomorrow. i’m gonna sit on my ass

Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?

A mustache is just mouth bangs.

Husband: I love you.

Me: I have a boyfriend.

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise

Stonehenge is vulnerable to vandalism because it’s too easily accessible. If our ancestors had possessed any common sense they wouldn’t have built an important monument so close to a major road like the A303.

cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

Start a lawnmower upside down and you have a personal helicopter

Spring of Deception

If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.

my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂

What I say:

Get dressed
Brush teeth
Get in the car

What my kids hear:

Have a snack
Shriek like monkeys
Open 3 umbrellas indoors
Go poop

slapping people across the face with a glove and challenging them to a duel is a good way to end an argument at work.