Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
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My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
“Age is just a number”
…so is your credit score, your weight, the balance in your bank account
I’d love this…lol
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
I just love that new Pope smell.
“FRAAANCE!”
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
[creation of snakes]
GOD: What happened here?
ANGEL: You said make them armless…
GOD: Harmless!
ANGEL: Ohhh
SNAKE: YOU IDIOTS!
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
I used to think I had a Japanese friend.
But it was just my Imagine Asian.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.