Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-

~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks

I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.

Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun

“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.

the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget

I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.

I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.

I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.

*chomping on a cookie*
Girl Scouts can’t run very fast

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes

i don’t want to be the “main character” i actually want to be an extra who is there just to have fun and stand around while you deal with all the conflict

Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk

Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

People look at you funny when you put things in their cart at the store.

All I’m saying is if getting weighed naked at the doctor’s office wasn’t discouraged, people’s weight at home and at the doctor’s office would be much closer.

“We could do that, or…”

Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.

So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce

[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]

*1st day as a human*

Alien: I did one of those poop things

Alien 2: And?

A: The corn we ate was there

A2: So?

A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up

A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here

Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.

[interview]

BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?

ME: No…miscommunication

BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication

ME: See?