Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
You Might Also Like
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Me want titty. Me don’t want to touch, me want to suck. You have titty? TWO TITTIES? OM NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Easy enough.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
A guy got beaten up in a local biker bar for trying to order Boone’s Farm strawberry wine.
-tweeted from my hospital bed
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
She: It’s not working between us
He: Why?
She: For starters, I can’t handle your silly jokes
He: Hmm, okay and for main course?
Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant