Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
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My inexpensive home security system…
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
Dolly Parton wrote Jolene and I Will Always Love You on the same day. Today I put a wash on, walked the dog and I’m now making tea. That’s three things. Your move country girl, your move.
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
The pasta is now
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
me: i’ve started seeing someone
therapist: as in dating or like hallucinations
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
Whale: Hey did you hear I have a new girlfriend? She’s aaall over me it’s crazy.
Eel: For the last time barnacles don’t count as girlfriends
Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
thanks auntie mary
My toddler wanted to take a spatula to the zoo and after a fierce round of negotiations I was able to talk her down to a spatula and a throw pillow.
I’m sorry about your blouse but you really shouldn’t tell people you have cat-like reflexes and think they won’t try and prove it, so again, this one is on you.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary