Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
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In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
Aaaa…CHOO!
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”