Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
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My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
movies gotta warn me if they’re a part 1, before i’m in the theater. I just got jump scared by “to be continued” screens twice in one week (Fast X and Spiderverse).
i’m a 37 year old man and and i need emotional closure in my movies, i don’t have time to be cliffhanged
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.