Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean

“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes

my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀

I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

My date spent all night telling me that she loved Bad Boys – Then seemed disappointed when we got back to mine and I put the DVD on.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’

Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament

I hope it’s French Onion!

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.

Been there, done that.

– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning

Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.

This, like, never happens.

Lol

Hb: is there any apple pie left?

Me: do you know me at all?

How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?

I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba

Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart

I guess we don’t have a roomba

Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.

*People do special things for my birthday*

Me: Oh thank God.

Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”

I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible

My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!

My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.

Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house

I say ‘tomato’, you say ‘put your hands where I can see them and exit the vehicle slowly’ .

*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.