got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
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they need to invent a dishwasher with a window on it. i have to know what goes on in there
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
the best thing i’ve ever made
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
“The weatherman isn’t real!”
-first graders thinking the weatherman is a marvel character
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Oh good, my kid got a small cut and wiped his hand on the wall, so now the house has a taste for blood
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Support your local cemetery
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
this is the news I live for
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Not everything is a competition and I bet I’m better at accepting that then you are!