got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
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If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
My Husband said I really shouldn’t use my SUV as a laundry hamper or shoe storage.
He hasn’t said anything about the fries between the seats, I guess a cafeteria is fine.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Stood in front of a dollar store and waited way too long for the *automatic* door to open before I realized my mistake.
Then I did it again on my way out. I can never go back there.
A decision was made here.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I put the h in mysterious.
found a horse’s reddit account
