got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
You Might Also Like
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
All soups are gazpacho if you’re lazy enough
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, and wiser people so full of intoxicants.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
Me: No, you cannot have any of daddy’s beer.
Son: Why not?
Me: You know why not.
Son: Because you don’t like to share?
Me: Because I don’t like to share.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere