got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
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Dyslexics are teople poo!
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“I’m a skeleton!”
*kisses and hugs you*
Stop that!
*kisses and hugs you again*
What kind of skeleton are you?!?
“An XO skeleton”
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
i don’t invite people over because they might sit in my dog’s chair
Me: With a name like that, your parents must hate you.
Myparentsdislikeme: Hate is a strong word.
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”