got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
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I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I’m boycotting the Olympics because I just heard some sort of misinformation campaign claiming the last Winter Olympics held in 2018 was four years ago.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
The trick to sneaking a mug full of vodka is to occasionally blow on it like it’s hot.
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI show up drunk on Fridays and sexually harass my coworkers
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
“Everything in moderation,” I whisper as I pour my 8th cup of coffee.
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans