Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

ME: If you married the Kool-Aid Man, you’d need an umbrella because when he leaned down to kiss you at the wedding, he’d spill red Kool-Aid all over you & it would be like that scene in the movie Carrie

THERAPIST: And you want to discuss this for another session?

ME: Oh yeah

Dog: I didn’t do it.

Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂

me: it is not

amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂

me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox

amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?

me: that isn’t possible

amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.

hi why am I like this

Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 3 hours.

Boss: No, do it in your own time please.

Me: Ok I’ll be back in 12 Flinglongs.

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain

My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.

[airport]
SON: can i yell bomb?
DAD: no.
SON: hijack?
DAD: nope.
SON: how about shitballer?
DAD: uh yeah i guess but please don’t.

A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing

Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up

The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.

If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.