Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
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*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
No one comes off looking worse than the third party who was asked to interfere in a couple fight.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
Heard another parent tell their kid that when the ice cream truck plays its jingle
it means they’ve sold out of ice cream. Using that now.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.