Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
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*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
When I was a kid I had to walk to Netflix.
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I finally found a machine at work that I like: the coffee machine.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
Some good places you can stay for free:
In your own lane
Out of my business
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
i listed my ex as my emergency contact at my new job bc if i have a heart attack i need to tell kathy to burn in hell one last time
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly